Being over weight is something I have never really gotten used to. I have hated every moment of it actually. That's probably a good thing because it keeps me determined to get to a better place eventually. I spent most of my life at 130-135 pounds. Shocking I am sure to some of you who only know me at this weight. I am not really sure what changed. But somewhere along the way I managed to slowly gain weight. One pound at a time. That is how it gets you--gradually over time. You don't pay attention and then one day you wake up and your over 100 pounds over weight. Shocking AND embarrassing.
For a long time I had the attitude that I had way too much weight to lose so why bother. My goal was to just not gain anymore weight. Which as a dog walker was easy for me to do. I didn't gain because I walked so much during the week but I didn't lose either because I was not watching what I was putting in my body.
I woke up one morning in January 2007 (the 15th to be exact) and stepped on the scale and for some reason it hit me that day more than it ever had. The number on the scale staring back at me was an astonishing 248 pounds. I was dumbfounded. That is a HUGE number. You know I think fat people sometimes are convinced they weigh less than they do. They hide the actual number from everyone around them. Like somehow we are convinced our friends and family can't make an educated guess on their own just from looking at us. But there I stood looking at a number I never thought I would see when I stood on a scale. That morning was a turning point for me. In that moment I was shocked and disgusted at how far I had let myself go from where I once was. It was devastating and I knew I had to do something.
SO... I set myself a daily calorie limit. I have never considered it dieting. To me the definition of a diet is something you do to fix a present problem. For me it has to be about everyday and changing habits. I just watched how much I ate but never denied myself of things. On top of all the walking I was doing for work I started using the elliptical everyday and I bought an exercise DVD. Before I knew it I had lost almost 50 pounds and I felt amazing. Yet somehow after Christmas last year I fell back into old habits. I didn't exercise the way I had been and I stopped worrying about what I was eating and when I was eating it. I gained back almost half of what I had lost. Disappointing yes, but it's not the end of the world. Weight loss is no different than any other journey. Ups and downs are part of the process.
So here I am. I last weighed myself Monday morning. 222 pounds. I feel like I am back on track in my eating and exercise. Perhaps I failed before because my reasons were not the right ones. I felt like I was doing it for everyone else and not me. This time it is different. I am sick of being the fat girl. I am tired of being the token fat friend and I am sure as heck sick of feeling like new people don't want to be my friend because I am fat. I am blessed to have a husband who loves me regardless if I am the size I am now or the size I was when I met him. But it isn't okay with me anymore to be this size. I miss the outgoing person I used to be. I am tired of feeling tired and tired of feeling like my weight is holding me back from doing the things I want to do in my life.
So there you have it. No use beating around the bush. Evey is back on the wagon and determined more than ever NOT to fall off. I am not entirely sure I am completely ready for the emotional journey I know this is going to be. But I do know I am ready to rediscover who I am . It isn't just about the number on the scale at the end. It could get crazy in here so brace yourselves....
On a side note. I really suck at spelling the word exercise. When I ran spell check on this post it showed up wrong every time. Why is that? Is it really that hard a word to spell? Hmmm!!
7 years ago