The Adventures of Chris and Evey

So I'd like to rant about something for a minute. I'm not sure if you'll know who I am talking about, but there are these commercials we have featuring "hard, sexy abs" by John Basedow. Now first of all, it cuts to John. You'd think he'd be this super-hot hottie that has this great body....oh, how poorly mistaken you are.

He's not very attractive, and he's got two things that are really crampin' his style: one, his head is way, way too big for his body. We're talking "orange on a toothpick" type stuff here. "It's like Sputnik--quite spherical, but pointy in parts. He'll cry himself to sleep tonite on his gargantuan pillow." (If you don't follow, please see the movie So I Married an Axe Murderer. Classic Mike Myers.)

Secondly, on top of that ginormous noggin, his hair....hmmm....how to describe his hair. Well, you'd think he'd have a newer style--something spikey, nicely cut. Nope, instead he comes to the plate with this mess that looks like he is trying to go for "Game Show Host" hair, but he doesn't quite know how to get it right. Now I do have to give him credit--he does have nice abs. But seriously, he looks like a geek, the guy nobody wants to hang out with. The guy who wears those sweaters--you know, those sweaters.

The other annoying thing about his commercials is that when it cuts to him showing off his six pack, he leans back, just so the viewer can get the full effect, and he hooks the thumb of one of his hands on the waist of his blue spandex to pull it down a little bit (an artists rendering)--just enough so that he makes us believe below his waist is as firm and toned as above. First of all, I just don't need to see that. Second of all, anything you got going down there buddy, needs to stay down there. Quite unfortunately, you don't leave much to the imagination with them nasty spandex anyways.

I feel better now. I am sorry you had to hear that.