Monday, November 21, 2011

Reflections, Loss and Gratitude

I had a great childhood. I had parents who loved me, I had a brother who I wanted to be just like. I was raised going to church which I am forever grateful for. My parents instilled in me values that I carry with me to this day.  We were your typical family. We went to church on Sundays, we ate supper together every night and we went on family vacations every year. I wouldn't have changed a thing. Every day I am thankful for all my parents did for me and the memories I have of growing up in a loving home.

My dad adored my mum. He drove her crazy, but she loved him. They had a relationship that a married couple should have. Watching them while I was growing up I learned so much about a healthy and loving marriage. I am thankful to be married to a wonderful man who although he drives me to the point of insanity sometimes, he loves me, he takes care of me and he makes my life better because he is in it.

My mum and I were very close. I loved my alone time spent with her. One of our favorite things to do was walk to the mall, shop and have lunch or coffee at the Smitty's restaurant in the mall. She always pushed me and loved me and encouraged me to be the best I could be. We would have talks about the future and me getting married and having a family of my own. I cherish all of those conversations. Had I known I would lose her only a few short years later I would have listened more, I would have spent more time having those conversations with her and I would have appreciated them just a little more. That is the thing about life though, there are no guarantees and you never know when there will be a next time. In general we all need to learn to love a little harder, hug a little tighter and appreciate each other a little more. Don't wait for tomorrow.

I remember July 1996 like it was yesterday. A hot Alberta summer day when my life changed forever. The day I was told my mum had cancer and it was terminal. My world felt shattered. We lost her 5 months later. There are days it feels like it was just yesterday.

I wish Chris could have met my mum. In fact I wish a lot of people had the chance to know her. She was a great lady and everyday I am blessed that she was MY mum. I was beyond lucky to have 18 years with her. I wish it had been more but I would never trade the time I did have. Knowing her made my life better, she loved me and I know that in spite of all my mistakes and my struggles that she would be proud of who I am today.

It is easy in life to sit here and think about what we don't have, what we have lost and be angry and to let it define who we are. I will admit I have struggled from time to time, I think that is normal. But I also know that my path is what it is because of the things I have been through. I miss my mum everyday but I also know there is a plan and a purpose to everything in this life. And I know that I will see her again. I will talk more about this when I blog about my experience hearing Abby Rike speak this past Friday night.

15 years. It is amazing how fast life really does pass us by. Wow! You never stop missing someone when they are gone. It does get easier but I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life. There are days I will think of her and cry. But mostly when I think of her now I smile, I remember the time I did have with her and I remember how much she loved me and the things she gave me. I remember how lucky and blessed I was to have her. I would take 18 years over nothing. The days I do feel sad I remind myself  that  "Joy comes in the morning" Psalm 30:5

1 comment:

Unknown said...

I lost my mom in '88 and I know how you could be just going along and you get a reminder. The years do help the pain a little and there are many things that bring joy that help the pain even more.

Sending a virtual hug and thank you for sharing what's on your heart!